Is our family life settled and orderly? Do our current patterns work well or do we need to try some new approaches?

Traditional families are often seen as a cultural symbol of stability. Stability and predictability in family life provides a feeling of security. In a stable family, parents and children alike have a sense of the family”s “rules.” Family members are clear what roles and responsibilities belong to each person. There is a clear understanding who is in charge of things (hopefully the parents!). People know what the family expects of them, and they know what to expect from each other.

However too much stability can lead to rigidity. A healthy family can be flexible and change when necessary. The healthy family is willing to try new approaches when old patterns are failing. For example, the demands of parenthood can change the affluent two-career family into a budget-conscious, one-career household. Adolescents require a very different parenting style than pre-schoolers. A previously content homemaker may discover a deep need to launch her own career. A special needs child may take unexpected amounts of time and energy. The family needs to be flexible enough to meet the challenges of life.

Balancing togetherness and separateness...

Do we find enough time to be together? Can people find private space when they need it?

The healthy traditional family finds time to be together. It is easy to lose family time amidst the demands of work, school, children”s activities, etc. Sometimes quality family time is reduced to the five minutes driving Junior to the soccer game. I encourage families to make together-time a priority. Have meals together when you can. Play a board game together. Listen to your child practice the violin. Take a walk or tackle a chore together. If your family has an overflowing appointment calendar, schedule in space that will be reserved for family time.

Some families are great at togetherness but do not recognize the need for separateness. At times a couple needs to take a break from being “Dad and Mom” and have the privacy to be husband and wife. Children and adults both need places in the house where they can go to be alone for a while. Adolescents have an especially high need for privacy. Family members also need opportunities to pursue their individual interests and activities. Healthy families provide a space where people can find both connection and separateness.

Balancing conflict with respect...

Is it OK to disagree in our family? Do people feel respected or demeaned when there are differences between us?

Every family experiences conflict. In a healthy family, conflicts are seen as normal and usually resolvable. Instead of viewing conflict as “you versus me,” healthy families see it as “us versus the problem.” The focus is on problem solving, not on blame. The desire is to be fair, not to win at all costs. Often every family member has something of value to contribute in identifying and accomplishing a solution. Many families use family conferences as a way of making sure each person has a chance to speak up. Some problems might require periodic revisiting to get the family back on track with previously agreed solutions or to develop new solutions.

Conflicts become poisonous when they become hostile and disrespectful. When emotions run high it is easy to make personal attacks, drag other people into the argument, or to engage in verbal or physical abuse. Nothing is more destructive to family health than these kinds of behaviors and the toll they take on personal respect. Learn how to argue constructively. Practice your listening skills. After a difficult conversation check-in with other family members to see how they are feeling.

Living in a “traditional” family can be a tricky balancing act. Mutual trust is surely a key in a family keeping its balance. You may “wobble” a bit at times on this bicycle ride, but trust and practice will enable you to enjoy yourself along the way.

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