Growing 19, May 1997
The Healthy Family...
Taking a “Step”

Featured Writer: Louise Foy, M.P.S., Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

The word “step” implies a shifting of position and the adjustments that entails. A “step”family describes any family in which a parent with children marries another adult with or without children of their own.

A stepfamily is often seen as a family born of loss after death or divorce. A more positive view might focus on the new “step” as a rebirth of the family. A lack of understanding about the uniqueness of stepfamilies, leads the newly formed family (and others) to apply the same dynamics of a “traditional” family and become frustrated, disappointed, or at times give up because their expectations are not met. These expectations cannot be met because the characteristics of the stepfamily are simply different from those of the “traditional” family.

Approximately eight million people in the U.S. will obtain divorces this year. It is estimated that 80% will remarry and will bring to the new marriage relationship children fro a previous marriage. Over one half of the population has lived in/is a part of some form of stepfamily living or will be in the very near future. It is a challenging family style, but it can also be very rewarding... and healthy.

That there is a greater family beyond blood ties has Scriptural foundations in Jesus” words in Mark 3:33-35: “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” He looked at the people sitting around him and said, “Look! Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does what God wants him to do is my brother, my sister, my mother.”

Each stepfamily and each individual within a stepfamily is unique, with something positive to offer. It is important for stepfamilies to learn about the different dynamics that come into play and to focus on the positive role each family member can play to build a unique system that encourages flexibility, inclusion, comfort for each member, clear stepparent guidelines, a strong marital bond and a sense of working together for growth and freedom. Communication—consistent, clear and constant—is the key ingredient to meeting the challenges to developing a healthy, new family system.

Challenge #1 ~ changes and losses...
The loss of the “ideal” family image may be the most difficult to bear. Whether due to divorce or death, the change involves feelings of grieving on the part of the children as well as their parents and grandparents. The sadness, anger, uncertainties need to be acknowledged or the adjustments will be delayed. Fears about the future need to be identified with reassurance about how to remain connected.

Noncustodial parents have responsibilities and rights of access to children. Grandparents, in particular, can feel threatened or left out of the changing family configuration. Children need the most reassurance and structure for providing continued connection with all of their family members. Children who travel between households experience more changes than their parents and different parenting styles as well. Communication between children and their parents often improves after a conflictual divorcing time is over and focus is placed again on the parent-child relationship.

Challenge #2 ~ building new relationships...
The strength of the new couple bond is indicative of the success of the new marriage. The new couple relationship develops amidst other primary relationships. It needs attention and nurturing as it matures. Communication and time spent together are important for the building of security and trust. Focus on forming this new relationship first.

Children, however, may feel threatened or displaced by this new bond and need the continuation of their relationship with the biological parent as they forge an instant, sensitive, sometimes difficult relationship with a stepparent. In the early stages of the new family system, parents must focus on strengthening the relationship with their biological children.

Clarify and agree on stepparenting roles and functions. A stepparent should not try to take the place of a biological parent. This would increase the loyalty conflict for the child between his parent and stepparent. Rather the stepparent should make an effort to form an age-appropriate adult/child friendship prior to attempting to parent intensely. This positive relationship can become one of the greatest assets that a child can have, especially as they go through the typical adolescent distancing from their biological parents.

Stepsibling relationships often bring competition and rivalry, but also offer opportunities for friendship. Be especially sensitive to issues of sexuality between teen stepsiblings. Creating a place/space for each person whether they visit or reside permanently in each household can lead to a sense of comfort and an enlarged sense of security.

Challenge #3 ~ forming new traditions...
Holidays, birthdays, graduations, school and sporting events take on extra layers of expectation. New traditions are formed in stepfamilies with changing or different participants, roles and rules. Adapting to these differences encourages flexibility and openness to other ways of doing things. In order for each stepfamily member to feel recognized as part of the family, cooperation around sharing of information and scheduling of events is very important. Including former and new grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins in family celebrations and events can be quite a rewarding challenge and provide support for this emerging/growing family configuration.

Challenge #4 ~ enjoying the connections...
One of the greatest overall assets a stepfamily can have is that each member gains a “sense of being connected.” What happens in one segment, unit, or person affects positively or negatively the others in other households or settings—parents, grandparents, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, other relatives—and broadens their view of stepfamilies from one unit to a number of connecting units, each one important. It is this sense of belonging—this sense of kinship—which connects us with the whole. It can provide the motivation for cooperation and responsibility. To be a part of something, to have a place with importance and influence, may help each participant to put their best effort forward. Each has the ability to bring something positive to the extended family—to make it a healthy, rewarding place to live and grow up.

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