Growing 20, May 1997
The Healthy Family...
With One Parent

Featured Writer: James H. Shackelford, Ph.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist

If your family is one in which one parent has full responsibility for the day-to-day care and direction of his or her child or children without the help of a partner or co-parent, you are a single-parent family.

“Single-parent family” may be a misleading phrase since, except in situations of death or abandonment, family systems continue to be affected by the absent parent... for good or ill. Currently 20% of the children in the U.S. live primarily with only one parent and between 80% and 90% of these single-parent households are headed by mothers. Whether becoming a ”single-parent” family by separation, divorce, remaining unmarried, or by the death of a spouse, family members must learn to cope with loss and grief, and with restructuring the family amidst disruptions. Here are some tips to help your family not only to cope, but to regain health and stability as well.

Acknowledge your grief and loss...
You are grieving the loss of a life partner, a parent (through death or absence) and often a loss of financial resources. The experience of grief through death of a spouse/parent may be different than in abandonment, separation, divorce and parenthood without marriage. Widows and their children may experience rallying of community support, sharing of their sadness and feelings of compassion and empathy that is often denied to families of abandonment, separation, divorce and those who choose not to marry. The element of choice seems to make community response less sympathetic, less supportive, less understanding. There may even be an attitude of moral indignation, “So you’ve made your bed, now lie in it.” This makes grieving all the more difficult and the element of choice makes it harder to complain.

Expect and accept change...
Running a home, providing child care, providing an income to live on, finding a new balance point for parental authority, meeting one”s own needs for adult companionship all call for change. Accepting the changes in structure, organization and functioning of the family and changing expectations for how thing “ought to be” requires growth and maturity from each family member. While having two parents who are supportive of one another and form an effective team to care for their children is ideal, there are opportunities in single-parent families for closer emotional ties and for children and parents to mature and learn to share family responsibilities. Roles, responsibilities, authority, times together, times apart, material wants and needs and personal freedoms are just some of the areas where expectations face revision and renegotiation needs to happen. Single-parent families are different. Accept that fact. Be realistic about what is possible.

Develop a support base...
This is the single most effective strategy for coping with grief and change. As Hillary Clinton notes, “It takes a village to raise a child.” It takes extended families, friends, support groups and the absent parent (if possible) to help in the process of restructuring a family. The use of relatives seems obvious, yet the ethic of self-sufficiency may make it hard for many to feel comfortable asking for help. Friends can be invaluable. A faith community offers a variety of resources. Support groups such as Parents without Partners, Young Single Parents, Young Widows, or Phoenix groups provide adult company and support.

Co-parent if possible...
Except in the case of the death of a parent, an important support resource can be the absent parent. This requires distinguishing spousal from parental relationships and maintaining a firm commitment to the children’s best interest. Co-parenting has real potential for reducing the burdens both parents and children experience. Co-parenting need not mean fifty-fifty physical sharing; rather, it means psychological parenting by both and a commitment to provide stability and consistency in the parent-child relationship.

Share authority and power...
It is difficult, if not impossible, to keep the same distance and authority without a parental partner; and it is probably not desirable or functional to try. It is clear that sharing responsibility for family management with children is the most common pattern. Parents become closer to their children. The family is run more democratically. Children’s self-reliance and capacity to function in adult ways are fostered.

Balance personal and family needs...
Single parents need to balance the needs of the family and their personal needs, e.g., adult companionship, time away from the family for school, work, exercise, spiritual life or self. Balance is often difficult to achieve. Yet to have something to give, self care must not be neglected.

See your situation as an opportunity for growth and grace...
Epictetus, an ancient Greek philosopher, once wrote, “[People] are disturbed not by things but by the views which they take of them.” Developing a philosophical or spiritual outlook that can see opportunity amidst loss and grace amidst disruption is essential. Staying close to one’s faith and faith community, or finding one that meets your needs, helps immensely.

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