Growing 21, January 1998
Signs of Marital Success

Featured Writer: Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A., Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

When working with couples, I sometimes say that a good marriage is like a thriving small business partnership. Successful spouses “work together” to create a home and family, and to achieve shared goals. They solve the problems that come their way; they change their habits and routines to respond to changing life situations; they make plans to move forward, toward new opportunities or shared dreams.

One significant difference between a marriage and a business partnership is the difficulty of measuring the growth and success, or deterioration and failure of a marriage. It is relatively simple for business partners to meet with their accountant and find out how they are doing. Figures, graphs and financial statements with black and red ink can indicate very clearly whether business projections and goals have been reached.

I believe that there are several indicators of marital success and failure which can be used by couples to make an assessment of the health of their relationship. None of these measures of marital functioning can stand alone, any more than one month’s sales figures can describe a business, but together, they can give couples a clear understanding of the state of their marriage.

The order of my list does not indicate their importance. For “black ink” indicators 1 through 6, a higher number is better; for “red ink” indicators 7 and 8, a lower number is better.

1. The monthly number of occasions when the two of you did something just for fun which did not involve other people. Count not only dates when you went out and did something special together, but also times at home when you enjoyed time one-to-one.
   
   
2. The daily average number of minutes of real, direct, eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart communication between you. Give yourselves half credit for time talking on the phone, conversation during commercials, things you say while sharing a meal with children, or other communication in a setting which makes it hard for you to bare your souls to one another.
   
   
3. The number of aspects of your life about which you are both content. For example, you can list your financial partnership, whether you are in good financial shape or not, if you are both satisfied with the way you are handling your family’s finances. Other strong points might be your support of each other’s careers, the way you do the homemaking chores, your relationships with extended family, your approach to parenting, the way you care for each other in tough situations, support of each other’s religious convictions, your ability to have fun together, etc.
   
   
4. The degree to which you agree on your satisfaction with your sexual activities and other physical expressions of your affection, such as hugs, pats, winks, etc. If, on a scale of one-to-ten, you rate your love life as a 9 and your partner rates it a 3, it shows that you have some work to do. Ideally a couple will both be quite satisfied with this part of their relationship, but there is no harm done if they agree that for various reasons it has not been as strong or satisfying as they both want it to be.
   
   
5. The measures you can use to assess the general health and happiness of your children or other people who share your home. Successful couples create a home environment in which other people have the freedom to grow and enjoy their lives.
   
   
6. The number of future possibilities (whether real plans and firm desires, or vague hopes and unlikely dreams) that the two of you would agree you are working toward or wishing for. It is a good sign if couples can articulate that “we are definitely going to move to Colorado,” “we plan to start a business some day” or “we hope to win the lottery.”
   
   
7. The monthly number of occasions when you hurt each other by things you say. Include every occasion, serious or trivial, when either of you made a critical comment, expressed disapproval of your partner’s behavior, or used name-calling, harsh language, sarcasm, or even humor to express a negative opinion of the other.
   
   
8. The number of secrets that you keep from your partner because you fear his/her reaction. Good couples generally have very few parts of their lives which they do not share with each other. This is not to imply that every thought and impulse needs to be disclosed to a spouse, but when people keep important secrets from their partner, that points to a problem.

Like successful business partners who are alert to the condition of their venture, building on strengths and working through difficulties toward financial and personal goals, good couples monitor how they are doing as marital partners and work toward the achievement of their shared goals. The indicators listed in this article, both positive and negative, can be used to measure marital functioning, pointing toward strengths to be celebrated, and toward weaknesses to be addressed.

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