Parents who always support them and love them unconditionally.
	Better communication with parents.
	More time with parents.
	Respect from parents.
	A sense of purpose and meaning in life.

If we could achieve most of those qualities with our children in our homes, wouldn’t we feel accomplished as parents? We might well enjoy the process of parenting a good bit more too. If parents were polled about what they most want, they might respond in very similar fashion. The question then becomes how to develop these important qualities in our interactions with our kids in order to foster a peaceful home.

If we look at how we relate to our children we can develop a “baseline” of interaction. Dr. Ross Campbell in Relational Parenting differentiates two kinds of parenting: “reactive parenting” in which our interactions with our children tend to be based on reacting to their behavior, which can lead to overuse of punishment, and “relational parenting” which emphasizes understanding the needs of our child and discovering how to meet those needs together. All parents have probably engaged in both types. Shifting interactions toward the relational model yields an increased sense of security.

Dr. Campbell goes on to note that children perceive and give love through actions. Children need manifestations of love from us that include eye contact, physical contact and focused attention. Other authors focus on better listening to foster improved relations in our interactions with children. Some suggest focusing on family accomplishments, upcoming good things, solving problems or what is going well. These are all excellent pursuits and could be summarized by simply saying that we should focus on Love, Hope and Faith.

What still might be puzzling us, though, is what is going to change the next time a child misbehaves. At that moment we tend to ask ourselves “How can I correct my child's behavior?” The question of correction tends to lead us down the path of reaction and the use of control and punishment techniques. What if in the face of misbehavior we ask, “What does my child need?” Looking at misbehavior as a sign of an unmet need might allow us to relate in a more proactive manner at the worst of times.

Consider that if peace and security stem from love and respect, then moments when we are moved to punish and control are prime opportunities to move our parenting in a different direction. Take for example a mid-teen announcing at the family dinner that he/she will be going to a concert with some friends next weekend. Just the thought of it stirs up our control tendencies, doesn’t it? Questions like “Who gave you permission?” or “What makes you think you are going?” just leap to mind, don’t they?

Take a breath. Recognize that something important has just happened. Your child has just stated a perceived need to you. So what do you do? Could you ask a question or make a summary statement that might be more respectful... not capitulating... but simply taking note of what is important to your teen at that moment. How about: “It seems very important that you be able to go to the concert.” Or “Can we talk about your plan to go?”

One path leads to a power struggle and a loss of respect for both parties. The other tactic potentially leads to an exchange of issues, some communication, and perhaps to a successful outcome. In dealing with moments where in an instant we can damage respect, peace and security, would better questions help?

Can the answer be in the questions? We are striving for better communication, focused attention, mutual respect, a sense of purpose and meaning. When someone has cared enough to listen to you, don't they signal that respect by asking thoughtful questions about your interest or opinion? When you are listened to, isn’t one of the most typical responses from the listener a question to clarify or probe for more understanding? Isn’t being actively heard one of the most confirming things that can happen to us in a relationship?

By all means, catch kids being good and reward that moment. Love them unconditionally. In closing, I suggest an experiment: when you are moved to control or react to a behavior that is outside your vision of positive development, take a moment. Pause to think of a question that will show you have heard the speaker. Respect the content of the child’s message. And let me know if you find more positive and peaceful outcomes.

Resource: Ross Campbell, MD, Relational Parenting, 2000 Moody Press, Chicago, IL

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