Growing 40, January 2001
Understanding Your Way to a Good Marriage

Featured Writer: R. Cotton Fite, Ph.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist

In recent years a flood of books have become available telling us how we can improve our marriages. Many of these are research-based works providing excellent guides for identifying behaviors that either nurture or destroy marriages. All provide useful suggestions for enhancing committed relationships. If a couple is sufficiently motivated, any of the books listed at the end of this article will provide them more than enough material to improve their communication, deepen their intimacy and address the challenges they face.

Having read and applauded much of this new work, I am struck by the common denominator that appears to underlie nearly all the characteristics researchers have found nurture marriage—and is likewise absent from those they have found destroy marriage. The common denominator is understanding. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it? It is indeed simple and at the same time one of those qualities that takes a lifetime to develop fully.

It's important first to recognize what understanding is not. It is not agreement. Marital conflicts frequently result from couples not spending sufficient time and energy listening to each other as they talk about the things about which they disagree. If they did, they might find the conflicts dissolving and new understandings emerging. But they also might find they still disagree. There is a natural tendency to believe that if our partner truly understood our view he/she could not help but agree with us. The truth, however, is that most of our convictions are subjective and quite personal, and the most we can ask is that our partner appreciate their importance to us.

One of the reasons we don't seek to understand our partner better is that we're fearful that if we did, it would weaken or obscure the validity of our own position. It's not possible, we think, for there to be validity to both of our positions. Someone has to be right and someone wrong, right? Wrong.

John Gottman has identified what he calls the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, behaviors guaranteed to undermine a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. As compared to a complaint ("I'm irritated you left your clothes on the floor"), criticism is more global, defining our partner's personality in negative terms ("You're a slob"). Contempt moves criticism a step further. It's criticizing with a sneering tone. When criticism and contempt begin to characterize a relationship, defensiveness becomes their natural partner. Consistently used, it is a refusal to acknowledge responsibility for our attitudes or actions. "The problem isn't me; it's you." Stonewalling is a defense of last resort. It tunes out the partner, creating frustration, isolation and, finally, despair.

Not many marriages survive the Four Horsemen. That's why understanding is so important. Because it leads inevitably to the qualities that make good marriages good: mutual acceptance and respect, sure-fire antidotes to the Four Horsemen.

The trouble with teaching understanding as a marital discipline is that it sounds so innocuous. A nice-sounding but ineffective remedy. Understanding, however, involves a set of behaviors which can be learned and practiced, just like any other. And even a little practice can make a lot of difference. Try these three:

	Express interest in your partner by asking questions that get below the details of daily life. "How is it to manage the kids all day?" "What makes you really happy?" "What keeps you going?" And then really listen. Everyone feels better about themselves when they experience someone truly interested in them, and you, in turn, may find them more interesting partners.
	Express appreciation for the positive things your partner does every day. Being "taken for granted" is the common cold of marriages, and its remedy is relatively simple. We learn in child-rearing that reinforcing the positive almost always gets good results. What makes us think it's any different when we're adults?
	When there's conflict, follow these simple but challenging rules: Agree that you will give each other all the time you need to explain your positions. Listen to each other so well that each of you can make the other's case convincingly. And then do it. Disagreements may remain, but you'll be amazed at how conflicts diminish.

Most of us figure out sooner or later that our understanding and acceptance of our partner is a function of our understanding and acceptance of ourselves. It's pretty tough to treat another with respect when we continue to disrespect ourselves. No one comes into adult life without some struggles in this arena. Taking the time and energy to deal with those areas where we are still hurting can be the most important investment we ever make, not only in terms of our own happiness but also in our primary relationships.

Here are some of the authors making valuable contributions to our knowledge of relationships and the skills necessary to improving them. Pick any one of them. Then pick a chapter that sounds juicy and start there. If you get really interested and begin to practice some of the recommended behaviors, it will be difficult for your partner to resist asking to see what you're reading.

Gottman, John M. & Nan Silver (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown Publishers.

Markman, Howard, Scott Stanley & Susan L. Blumberg (1994). Fighting for your Marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.

Olson, David H. & Amy K. (2000). Empowering Couples. Minneapolis: Life Innovations.

Weiner-Davis, Michele (1992). Divorce Busting. New York: Simon & Schuster.

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