January 2002
On the Usefulness of Alarms

Featured Writer: Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A.

As I sit here in my office at the First Presbyterian Church of Libertyville, the fire alarm klaxon is blaring out a sound loud enough to wake the dead. Fortunately I do not have a client scheduled this hour. In the alarm sounding in this peaceful church building I find a significant metaphor that relates to my work with couples and families.

How wonderful it would be if I could sell my clients a family alarm system that would make a loud racket every time something was threatening their family. These dangers to family life and health would be things like unbearable stress, out-of-control anger, unresolved experiences of trauma, slowly-eroding affection, discipline of children by pain or shaming, addiction, violence, etc.

This alarm system would listen to the conversations, sample the quality of the silences, scan the faces and body language of everybody in the home, monitor behaviors, and guard the family's boundaries from toxic influences. Maybe it could be designed with different levels of beeps, from a mild chirp when somebody was doing something merely unwise, to the deafening klaxon when interpersonal disaster struck.

Although such a family alarm system is just a fantasy, perhaps we can learn some lessons from fire alarm systems as we seek to create safe, healthy homes for our families and ourselves.

I. The church's fire alarm system is being repaired because it sounded a false alarm last Sunday just before the second service. The entire congregation was evacuated, and that Sunday morning became memorable in ways that no one had planned. People are blaming the false alarm on a ladybug that crawled into one of the smoke detectors. After an incident like that, maybe someone proposed that this alarm system is more trouble than it is worth. The alarm never has saved lives, and occasionally, sometimes at really inconvenient times, it goes off when there is no fire. Even so, the system will be repaired and put back on guard against fire, because the church is very committed to the safety of its members.

It is a sign of the same kind of commitment to the safety of our families if we have working fire alarms and other fire-prevention equipment at home. My home has several smoke detectors, whose batteries are tested and changed on schedule. There are fire extinguishers at strategic places, and at my daughters' urging, we have discussed our fire plan, to call 911 and get out of the house safely.

Strong families have a similar commitment to everybody's health and happiness. We can identify tangible behaviors that demonstrate a high level of family affection and health, monitor them, and take action if they diminish. Actions such as good-by hugs, good-night kisses, dinner table laughter, celebrations of minor victories, lap-time for the little ones and back-pats for the grownups are generally signs of high family functioning. If they diminish or turn negative, the family alarm is sounding.

II. When the smoke detector sounds in the middle of the night, no one lies in bed and decides to deal with it in the morning. When the alarm goes off right before church, nobody opens a hymnbook expecting the service to begin. We call 911 and then get away from the danger.

A family alarm system would be extremely valuable because it would help people to respond to dangers to their family or marriage in the same way we respond to a fire alarm, quickly and decisively. So often as counselors we find that by the time people call our number and ask for help, the damage is very deep because the destructive behaviors or feelings have continued for such a long time. When we know something isn't right among the people we know best and love most, it would certainly be good to do something about it right away.

III. Ever since I was a child I have been involved in fire drills and false alarms in which there was no fire. I remember standing outside the school building shivering, but feeling well prepared by our practiced, orderly exit to handle a real fire. As an adult I have experienced several false alarms like the one last Sunday, and every time, even when we didn't smell smoke, we walked outside the building and awaited permission from fire fighters to return.

By the drills of childhood and the experiences of adulthood we have learned what to do when we are warned of fire. We make sure that we and our loved ones are safe, even if not happy or comfortable, and then we call professionals, who show up with the right equipment and the right skills to intervene.

Because we know how dangerous a fire can be, we make plans to respond effectively when we smell smoke. If we stop to think about it, we would probably know that a family breakdown from divorce, violence, addiction, juvenile delinquency, etc. is worse than a house fire. The losses and wounds are not as obvious, but perhaps deeper in the long run. A routine for preventing family tragedy is perhaps more important than a fire drill.

If we had a family alarm and practiced responding to its sound, we would learn what to do and whom to call. Whether we could actually smell the smoke of family stress or not, we would get away from the immediate threat and then call our neighborhood counselor. We don't have counselors with special equipment on call at any time, but we can add to our family alarms fantasy an image of the counseling truck arriving with sirens blaring. Then we would be creating a vision of a future in which family safety and health would be as important as fire safety is today.

Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A.

Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A., applies his training and experience in family systems theory and brief, strategic, family therapy with people who have identified specific concerns or issues and are eager to discover new ways to understand and solve their problems÷especially couples experiencing marital difficulties or families with challenging teenagers.

He is also a leader of the Marrying Well Seminars which are designed to help couples prepare for marriage. They include presentations of informative material interspersed with opportunities for each couple to talk together and apply the concepts and tools to their own relationship.

For more information on the next Marrying Well Seminar, call 847.518.1800.

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