February 2002
Practicing Curiosity with Spouses

Featured Writer: Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A.

Most married people can remember the time when we viewed our future spouses as wonderful in lots of ways: interesting, attractive, smart, competent, caring, sexy, funny, and reasonable. Falling in love means discovering more and more about a special person that we can respect and enjoy. Even if we were head-over-heels in love, when the romance became "serious," we probably gave some thought, and perhaps had conversations with trusted people, about the qualities in our possible spouse that might predict a happy marriage. We totaled up the pluses and minuses, and we decided our future spouse was OK. During the planning and decision-making of the engagement, the partnership gets a thorough test, and most brides and grooms are sincerely hopeful that they have made a wise choice of a spouse. Honeymooners smile and snuggle because they genuinely love and appreciate their new husband/wife and see a bright future before them.

In the months that follow that blissful trip, something negative can happen to young spouses so that the warmth and enjoyment of their relationship diminishes. Nobody plans for it to happen, getting out of bed in the morning with a plan to develop a more negative attitude toward their new spouse, but a downward spiral of criticisms and misunderstandings can occur. If not turned around, this process can have serious consequences. This negative turn in a couple's regard for one another can also happen later in marriage.

If the marriage gets in trouble and the disillusioned couple ends up sitting in a counselor's office, their attitudes about each other may have become quite negative and pessimistic. They seem scarcely able to remember the time when they had a generally positive view of one another. When asked about each other, they both come up with long lists of complaints, disappointments, allegations of misconduct and weirdness, and criticisms large and small about their partner's behavior.

For their affection to be rekindled, the couple must find ways to rediscover the delight and respect they felt in courtship. This can often be done with the help of a skilled therapist, and many couples who have gone through a rough time rebuild their relationships stronger and warmer.

One of the ways couples can rebuild their marriage is practicing curiosity. This simple technique consists of reminding yourself on a regular basis that your partner is a smart, competent person, so that when he/she does something unexpected, or says something that doesn't seem right, you respond with interest and a desire for clarification, rather than rejection or argument. With practice, it is possible to learn to respond regularly to one another with curiosity, presuming that your spouse loves you, doesn't mean to hurt you, and has good reasons for his/her behavior or words.

Not too long ago, I got home at the end of the day and said "Hi" to everyone in a reasonably good mood. Then I did what I always do, hanging my coat on the back of a dining room chair because it is too much trouble to take it immediately to the bedroom and hang it in the closet. On this particular day, my lazy behavior turned out to be a problem for my wife, and she told me about it. That was a time for me to practice curiosity, wondering why she responded to me in such a negative way and remembering that she is a kind, competent, reasonable person who often makes it very clear that she loves me a lot. Practicing curiosity meant taking my coat to the closet where it belongs and then asking her to tell me more about what my coat-on-the-chair habit meant to her and why it bothered her at this time. I found out that she had been attacking clutter before I got home, so my cluttering the dining room with my coat pushed her over the edge. By being curious, instead of defending myself, I discovered that I can easily understand and even appreciate her behavior. Occasionally I get into a straightening-up frenzy, and some little sloppiness by her or our kids can make me seriously cranky too.

Couples who want to avoid unhappiness and a trip to the counselor's office can start practicing curiosity at any time. Newlyweds especially have lots of opportunities to learn more about each other, because frequently they are doing something together for the first time. All couples find that sometimes they naturally agree and understand each other. On other occasions they see things differently, or think differently, or feel different needs or preferences. In those moments of difference or conflict they have a choice, either to respond to each other negatively with criticism, disrespect, or argument, or to practice curiosity, and learn more about the wonderful, interesting, attractive, smart, competent, caring, sexy, funny, and reasonable person with whom they are sharing their life.

Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A.

Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A., applies his training and experience in family systems theory and brief, strategic, family therapy with people who have identified specific concerns or issues and are eager to discover new ways to understand and solve their problems÷especially couples experiencing marital difficulties or families with challenging teenagers.

He is also a leader of the Marrying Well Seminars which are designed to help couples prepare for marriage. They include presentations of informative material interspersed with opportunities for each couple to talk together and apply the concepts and tools to their own relationship.

For more information on the next Marrying Well Seminar, call 847.518.1800.

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