January 2003
Forgiveness
Featured Writer: Gregg Dana, M.A. Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

Every day the news reminds us that broken relationships between people and nations can lead to awful destruction. In our offices at The Counseling Center, clients often tell us about deeply painful experiences in important relationships that produce brokenness lasting for years. Forgiveness is an essential part of the relational process by which hurts can be resolved, reconciliation achieved, and trust and mutual respect restored.

The word "forgiveness" is also used to describe an internal, psychological and spiritual process by which someone who has been hurt lets go of the their burden of pain and resentment. The benefits of this second kind of forgiveness can be achieved whether there is any continuing relationship with the person who caused the hurt or not. This article focuses on the first kind forgiveness, which is an interpersonal action.

The act of forgiveness becomes a possibility when a person, group, community, nation, etc., causes pain or harm to another. For the purposes of this article, I will refer to a conflict between Jack and Jill, but I could also use international conflicts or strife between groups as illustrations. Jack and Jill are both adults. They have a history of friendship, and there will be future occasions when they have contact. In a moment of tension between them, Jill has slapped Jack hard on the face.

From a legal perspective what Jill has done is the crime of assault for which she may rightly receive legal penalties. If this incident happened on the job, her behavior may be viewed as unprofessional, and there may be job consequences. Whether Jill receives the natural consequences of her behavior or not, Jack must decide how he will deal with her.

As Jack experienced being hit by Jill, he went through a series of normal responses. He felt surprise, then the pain in his face, then anger which powered his raising his arms to protect his face from another blow. The painful incident ended, and Jack got away from Jill. When he felt safe he could think about how he would respond to Jill. As the one who was injured, Jack has many possible reactions to Jill's offensive behavior, but they fall into three general categories: revenge, defensiveness, and forgiveness.

Revenge is some way of hurting Jill back, evening the score between them. By taking revenge Jack lowers himself to her moral level and invites a revengeful counter-reaction. Revenge can lead to a cycle of pain as Jack and Jill continue their conflict, escalating as they hurt each other repeatedly. Their relationship may get stuck in mutual hostility as they become enemies. Their friendship is totally broken and neither feels safe.

If Jack decides that his safety is more important than revenge, he will choose a response that is defensive. He will protect himself from further pain by erecting physical and psychological barriers in his relationship with Jill. He may simply avoid her, which will end any productive relationship. Or, he may bring guardedness, distrust, and suspicion into their interactions, which will make shared activities very difficult. Jill will certainly pick up on his distrust, and she may use it as an excuse for further aggression.

On the interpersonal level, forgiveness is a decision by the one injured to refrain from revenge, which opens the possibility of healing the brokenness in the relationship. When Jack feels the impulse to hit Jill back, forgiveness means using his other hand to restrain his own fist. This kind of forgiveness is a choice, an act of the will, rather than an action arising from emotion. Jack's emotional response to being slapped by Jill naturally leads him toward revenge or defensiveness. But, when he settles down enough to think about what happened, he may conclude that there is value in a positive future relationship with Jill. This goal of a positive relationship can be achieved only if he does something contrary to his feelings and chooses the option of forgiveness. Since Jack does not feel like forgiving Jill, this choice is very difficult. Therefore, forgiveness requires strength and effort to refrain from acting on his emotional impulses. If Jack doesn't have sufficient maturity and emotional balance in his character, he may be unable to forgive Jill.

For Jack to forgive Jill does not mean that he has figured out a way to make what Jill did less painful or offensive. His memories of the pain of that moment remain clear, and he does not seek to excuse her behavior or diminish its impact on him. Jill has demonstrated an apparent willingness to hurt Jack, and it is prudent for him to remember that, and interact with her cautiously, even after he has forgiven her. Only when it becomes clear that Jill has had a change of heart about hurting Jack can their friendship become relaxed and fully functional again.

Acting on his decision to forgive is what Jack must do to make possible a healing of his broken relationship with Jill. She must decide that hitting Jack was a mistake, express sincere regret, make amends if possible, and promise not to do it again. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, this is called repentance. If Jack and Jill bring together these two responses, he forgiving and she repenting, there is hope of genuine healing of the alienation between them. If either of them refuses to do their part of the process of reconciliation, their relationship will remain broken and difficult. If both of them refuse to reconcile, they face a future of mutual hostility.

What happened between Jack and Jill is not unusual. Being hurt by other people is an experience that can occur in every stage of life. Groups, communities, and nations can also injure or offend by what they do. If we are to enjoy relationships that are cooperative, mutually caring, and trust-filled, the brokenness from these painful incidents must be healed. Deciding to choose the option of forgiveness when we are hurt opens from our side the possibility for the injuries we suffer to be resolved into reconciliation.

Featured Writer
Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A., has been on the staff of the Counseling Center since 1995. He is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and an ordained Presbyterian pastor.

Gregg applies his training and experience in family systems theory and brief, strategic, family therapy with people who have identified specific concerns or issues and are eager to discover new ways to understand and solve their problems—especially couples experiencing marital difficulties or families with challenging teenagers.

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