April 2002
Close Time with the In-Laws
Featured Writer: Gregg Dana, M.A. Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

The challenge of relating happily to our spouse's family, especially his/her parents, is high on my list of the "core issues" of married life. Newlyweds often underestimate the difficulty of putting "my family" and "your family" together into "our family." Tensions may be obvious from the beginning of the courtship, or the problems may surface during the planning of the wedding. Sometimes, after a pleasant courtship and wonderful wedding, people discover trouble with the in-laws on visits to their home, or when they come to "our place." For some couples it is after the birth of the first child that in-law relationships become difficult.

It is not inevitable that couples will struggle with relationships with their in-law parents and families. During courtship some people fall in love simultaneously with their future spouse and with his/her family. If you are one of those blessed couples who get along famously with your in-laws, then you do not need to read the rest of this article. But, if the stress level in your relationship rises when either set of parents is talking about coming for a long visit this summer, read on. You may benefit from some new marital skills, so that you and your spouse can feel happy enough to high-five each other at the end of a family visit.

Troubled relationships with the in-law family can arise for several reasons. They may simply be difficult people. They may have a lifestyle or expectations that are incompatible with your values. Their concept of family may be restricted enough so that you are never fully accepted. But, in my experience, in-law issues are most likely to become a source of couple conflict because of the role complexity that your partner experiences when his/her parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. are around.

By role complexity I mean that at the same time your spouse is functioning as your partner and as a child of his/her family. Those two roles often involve quite different, even contrary, behaviors. A husband who is very active in food preparation and cleanup in "our kitchen" may never set foot in his mother's kitchen. A wife who normally loves to talk with her husband may seem to want to spend all her talk time with her mother and sisters. A husband may feel that golf outings with his family have to be a highest priority, when activities with his wife are usually most important to him. The list of examples of this phenomenon could go on forever.

Perhaps the clearest illustration of this role complexity is the difficulty you may have experienced in maintaining your sexual relationship when parents are around. When sleeping in a guestroom of your parent's home, even if you are sure no one could know you were making love, couples may find it feeling slightly weird to enjoy each other in their normal way. This can happen whenever family members are nearby, even if you are sleeping in your own bed. In all the years you and your partner spent in the role of son or daughter, grandson or granddaughter, you were not joyfully sexual, so it feels odd to enjoy your adult sexuality when you are close to people who remind you strongly of those early years of your life. This experience of role complexity can become a couple conflict if you do not understand it, and feel neglected or rejected.

The best solution I know for a troubled, perhaps painful, relationship with in-law parents and family is for a couple to plan in advance to stay close to each other. They promise that they will intentionally hold on to their partnership as their primary relationship, making it very clear to everyone that they have followed the Biblical injunction to leave their fathers and mothers and become one flesh together. This closeness involves both physical closeness and emotional connectedness.

You decide to stay close together as much as possible. If one wants to help with the dishes, you both go to the kitchen. When one gets tired, you head for the bedroom together. This physical closeness has a powerful effect on the family interaction. It greatly reduces the opportunities for a family member to make a critical or shaming comment to you, since you are less vulnerable when your partner is right there to hear the harsh comments too. If someone makes a request or suggestion about a family activity, you and your spouse can consult quickly and easily about your response. As a closely united couple you are simply stronger in facing provocations or challenges from the family.

You find ways to be together privately, just the two of you, so you can stay emotionally connected and talk about what is happening. You can share your thoughts and feelings about the family visit, and, if necessary, make plans about your joint response. Family times can be a learning experience for both of you if you talk about them, achieving a better understanding of the positive traditions and negative baggage that you brought into your marriage from growing up in your families. Taking walks, running an errand together, asking the grandparents to baby-sit while you have a "date," are just a few examples of ways that you can give yourselves opportunities to communicate and share your experiences of being with family.

I have worked in counseling with couples who had failed for years to find a way to unite all of their parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. into "our family." When they learned to unite themselves, staying very close, their times with family became more fun. The goal when you are with family is to hear someone say, "What do you guys think you are, newlyweds?"

Featured Writer
Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A., applies his training and experience in family systems theory and brief, strategic, family therapy with people who have identified specific concerns or issues and are eager to discover new ways to understand and solve their problems—especially couples experiencing marital difficulties or families with challenging teenagers.

He is also a leader of the Marrying Well Seminars which are designed to help couples prepare for marriage. They include presentations of informative material interspersed with opportunities for each couple to talk together and apply the concepts and tools to their own relationship.

For more information on the next Marrying Well Seminar, call 847.518.1800.

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