December 2002
Navigating the Rapids with a Partner
Featured Writer: R. Cotton Fite, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Marriage and family therapists have written volumes about life's transitions. By transitions they mean those life passages that take us from one place to another - like launching as an adult, getting married, having a child, experiencing an empty nest, retiring. The truth, of course, is that life is made up of transitions. Many are small and easily negotiated. But some are dramatic and life changing. The transitions that frequently unsettle us are those that face us with a distinctly new reality. Suddenly the landscape is very different. We have to reorient ourselves to a new stage in life with new challenges and new opportunities. Many of the individuals and couples who seek help with their relationships have run up against an important transition in their lives, and they're having trouble navigating it successfully.

A trip my wife and I took earlier this fall shed an interesting light on transitions and what it takes for a couple to navigate them without running aground. In early October we embarked on a six-day canoe trip on the beautiful Allagash River in the northern woods of Maine. At this time of year the river is relatively shallow, but it's challenging nonetheless. After gliding along comfortably in our canoe in an open stretch of water, we would reach a bend in the river and find a set of rocks and rapids staring us in the face. Very quickly we had to scan the river to find the deepest channel and immediately begin to maneuver around the boulders that were both above and below the water line. If we "read" the river right, we could usually avoid the hidden boulders that threatened to twist us around against the current and dump us and our provisions into the river. Sometimes we couldn't find the channel quickly enough and had to walk our canoe across a sandy bar.

I'm pleased to report we made it safely through six days of the river and had a wonderful time.

As I reflected on our adventure I realized how much navigating a river is like navigating our lives. A river twists and turns, runs very deep at times, winds its way around many obstacles. Some stretches take little or no effort to navigate. They are serene and leisurely, the river seeming to just carry us along. Other stretches are filled with treacherous rapids requiring all our attention and skill. Life transitions can be very much like the rapids we encounter as we come around a bend in a river. Encountering those as a couple can generate either greater or lesser strength and resiliency than either possesses individually, depending on the quality of the relationship.

What my wife and I discovered after our first day of navigating the Allagash was that good communications were the key to making it the rest of the way. If the bow and the stern didn't talk to each other, we were both going to get wet. If one of us made a mistake, angry recriminations from the other did little to salvage the situation. Communications had to be clear, direct and understandable. Whether we were in the bow or the stern we had to remember that this was a partnership, and our success depended on mutual respect and collaboration.

There are smooth passages on the river and smooth passages in life. When the river was smooth, my wife and I could practice our canoeing. When life is flowing easily, we can practice the skills of good communication, thoughtful behavior and conflict management. When rapids and life transitions occur, we won't have time to practice either our canoeing or our relational skills. When communication breaks down, anger and alienation often fill the void. Counseling in a crisis can help a couple successfully navigate the passage, but nothing takes the place of skills developed when the waters are relatively smooth.

Another dimension of transitions is that while they present enormous challenges, they also present enormous opportunities. Most couples have personal issues they have never fully addressed and either resolved or learned to accept. These are the very issues that surface when we're frustrated and/or scared about the current transition. They have to do with intimacy, respect, loneliness and fear - and they surface with intensity. The danger is that these will so overload the relationship that the couple becomes less adaptive, less creative. The opportunity is that with trust, patience and maybe some help, they can be constructively addressed and the relationship enhanced.

Here are some simple but challenging guidelines for couples who are preparing for transitions:

• Anticipate transitions and don't underestimate their impact. Smooth waters can seduce you into thinking all is well.
• Practice good communications every day. That means paying attention to each other - listening with an ear to understanding. When there's conflict, work even harder at understanding the other's position. Remember, understanding is essential; agreement is not.
• Practice mutual respect and appreciation. Nothing is more valuable than our sense of personal value and dignity.
• When something really bothers you and feels too scary to discuss, seek the help of someone you both can trust.
• When the waters get rough, stay calm and centered, trusting the skills you've built over a lifetime.

Featured Writer:
Dr. Fite is the Director of The Counseling Center of Lutheran General Hospital. He is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, an AAPC Diplomate and an Episcopal priest.

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