April 2003
Remembering the Lessons of Courtship
Featured Writer: Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A.

The happy newlyweds are driving toward their honeymoon with "Just Married" decorating their car. During their courtship they have traveled in the car together many times, but now things are different. As boyfriend and girlfriend they started their relationship successfully. As fiancées they survived the stresses of engagement and wedding planning. Through different experiences and stresses their love grew. Now the person who officiated at their wedding has declared all that to be history; they have entered a new way of being together, as husband and wife. If they want to be successful in this new venture, I believe it is important they remember the lessons they learned about loving each other in their courtship.

I ask couples who want to revitalize their marriage to reminisce about their best times together. They begin to tell of occasions when something memorably positive happened between them. We then identify the features of those experiences that they can replicate in their relationship now. If an activity made them happy to be together, it is worth repeating, even if years have passed and circumstances are very different. We can learn valuable relationship lessons from courtship successes.

If someone asked my wife Anne and me to reminisce about the best moments of our courtship, I believe both of us would recall a picnic we had one springtime afternoon in a state park in downstate Illinois. When our date ended because it got dark and chilly and I took her home to her apartment, I drove away thinking she was an uncommonly special person. Being with her made me feel better than I had felt in a long time. I was glad when she told me that she had enjoyed our picnic very much too.

I talked with Anne as I was writing this article, and we identified several ways that we made a courtship success out of that experience. For very good reasons, it has been a long time since we had a picnic together, just the two of us, but we can now find other ways to recapture that special picnic feeling.

v We planned an occasion for time together and made it a priority. Courting couples seem to do this naturally, since they are excited about their new, very interesting relationship. At the start of a romance people go on "dates," which refers to the fact that they have chosen a date and a time to get together. Anne and I both planned carefully for our picnic, thinking about what we would bring to eat and what we would wear, making sure that nothing interfered with our "date." I encourage all married couples to "date," setting aside time and planning occasions to be together.

v The goal of the event was for us to be together so our relationship could grow. The food we brought was tasty and our hunger was satisfied by the meal, but that wasn't the point. Either of us could have enjoyed the meal and the park setting alone, but it was being there together that made the day wonderful. The place and the activity were just a positive context that supported our growing relationship. If it had rained, we might have spread our blanket on the floor of her apartment and had a similarly memorable time. Now that we have children and more complex schedules, we have to work harder to find times in which to continue the growth of our relationship, but we can do it if we want that badly enough.

v It was just the two of us, with no friends, no kids, no relatives. If we had owned cell phones, they would have been turned off. We got away, partly to avoid calls and other interruptions. We had set aside enough time for a leisurely picnic, so neither of us was in a hurry, or distracted by pressing concerns. By doing all these things, we insulated ourselves from things that might have reduced our ability to focus on one another. Our actions made it clear that sitting together on that picnic blanket was very important to both of us. Many couples in treatment for marital problems report that they stopped having "just the two of us" times after the birth of their first child. Certainly there must be time for occasions with children, family, and friends, but I encourage couples to rediscover the benefit and delight of making time to be a couple.

v The focus was on us.

Our choice of activity gave us a good opportunity to look in each other's eyes, talk together, share the pleasant park setting, hold hands and kiss if we felt the moment was right. There are lots of ways for a couple to have fun, but some of them interfere with close, personal interactions. Dancing in a loud club or sitting in a movie theater can be entertaining, but those activities reduce your chance to talk. Attending a sports event or museum show is very pleasant, but your attention is focused on scores or displays, rather than on your relationship. I encourage couples who are rebuilding their marriages to find things to do they both think are fun and at the same time give them a chance to be really together.

These four characteristics of our courtship picnic are merely the most obvious elements of that experience that helped our mutual admiration grow and our love deepen. If Anne and I can remember these lessons of courtship, we can find ways now to continue that growth. What we do now will probably be different, because after years together we are different and our lives are different. But what worked for us in our courtship will probably point us toward ways we can achieve our goal of a stronger marriage today.

Featured Writer:
Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A. has been on the staff of the Counseling Center since 1995. He is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and an ordained Presbyterian pastor.

Gregg applies his training and experience in family systems theory and brief, strategic, family therapy with people who have identified specific concerns or issues and are eager to discover new ways to understand and solve their problems—especially couples experiencing marital difficulties or families with challenging teenagers.

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