Growing 6, February 1995
Inviting Intimacy...

Featured Writer: Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A., Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

It’s Thursday night, and Bob and Carol have discovered that their Friday evening is free.

Carol: “What do you want to do tomorrow night?”... Bob: “I don’t know; what do you want to do?”... Carol: “I don’t care; I’d be happy to do whatever you want.”... Bob: “I don’t have anything particular in mind; I figured that you would have an idea.”

In their efforts to be cooperative and avoid being self-centered, they have probably become frustrated and reduced their chances of having a nice Friday evening together.

This unfortunate decision-making routine may be just a bad habit learned in childhood by observing parents and other adults. But, it may also be a symptom of a more serious flaw in a couple’s relationship. If you fear criticism or rejection from your partner, then it may feel safer to inquire about your partner’s wishes than to express your own.

Telling your partner the truth about yourself is the fundamental act of intimacy—saying “I want...,” or “I need...,” or “I am feeling...” Being honest in that way means letting down your defenses and opening up to the possibility of being hurt; it’s like being naked together, when there is no chance to be anyway but the way you are.

Couples who avoid intimacy in routine decision-making can find real growth in their happiness together if they learn new ways of deciding what to do when they have an opportunity for time together.

I recommend what I call “inviting intimacy,” which you can do in this way: Think of something you would personally enjoy doing and would want to do with your partner. Then, at a time when it is possible for you to talk, share your plan and invite the other to join you.

It is good for the plan to be specific and detailed. For example, “I would like for us to go to the new action movie which is showing at the mall at 7:30, and then to the new coffee shop in the mall for dessert.” Your partner can then respond with their own plan. “I would like for us to...”

It may be that your wishes are quite similar, with only a few details to negotiate; it may be that your preferences are very different. In either case, your decision-making begins with clear information about each other and you have a wide variety of ways to arrive at a conclusion with which both can be happy.

Expressing your needs and inviting your partner to join with you promotes creativity and makes it possible for you to learn new things about each other. Even if it is never fulfilled, expressing a wish to do something new, and perhaps unusual—like taking scuba lessons or watching videos of all the Star Wars movies in one weekend or going bird-watching—is making a positive contribution to the relationship.

Inviting may also result in the delightful discovery that you both enjoy the chosen activity very much and, even if it proves to be less than delightful, since you choose it together, it does not diminish your affection for one another.

Gregg Dana

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