September 2003
Affairs: The Betrayal of Trust
Featured Writer: James H. Shackelford, Ph.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Some movies make me particularly uncomfortable—like watching a train wreck about to happen. Unfaithful (2002) was one of those. Constance (Dianne Lane), a suburban housewife, has a torrid affair with a rare book dealer in the city. In a fit of passion, her husband (Richard Gere) kills her lover and conceals his body. In the final scene Constance and her husband sit in their car in front of the police station asking each other if they can survive the inevitable consequences of this tragic course of events. While most affairs are not this dramatic, they are one of the most damaging betrayals married partners experience.

There are many factors that contribute to the choice to initiate an affair.

w Some feel they are pushed into affairs by the problems and shortcomings of their relationship or their partner. They feel they have no other choice.

w Others feel pulled into affairs by the excitement. They are curious. They experience the affair as enhancing their self esteem and image of themselves as attractive and desirable. They like the feeling of "falling in love".

w Still others are influenced by our society's fascination with affairs. A common theme of movies, television, theatre and internet web sites involves affairs. Secrecy often surrounds the way affairs are dealt with, protecting those having affairs from dealing with the consequences of their actions.

Whether pushed, pulled or influenced, those who choose to enter affairs are making a choice, a choice with potentially devastating and often irreversable consequences.

Many believe that everyone is unfaithful, that infidelity is normal (Pittman). In the University of Chicago National Opinion Research Center's survey (1996), respondents were asked, "Have you ever had extramarital sex?" The positive responses returned—21.2% for men and 11.3% for women—were significantly less than previously reported research figures. (Wiederman) For most, affairs are not the norm.

Some believe that affairs are beneficial; they can revive a dull marriage (Pittman). One study cited infidelity as the leading reason given for the failure of first marriages (39%). Affairs are a primary disrupter of families. They can easily and inadvertently end marriages. For most, affairs are experienced as a betrayal, a betrayal of intimacy, trust and commitment. Even when relationships survive an affair, the damage done can last a lifetime.

Affairs are not simple to understand. They can be motivated by many reasons (Brown).

w Some seek an affair to avoid conflict. For whatever reasons, they are unable to stand up to their partner when there is a problem. Their avoidance of conflict allows their unresolved differences to fester and the bonds of marriage to erode. Affairs are a way to keep the peace while emotionally losing the marriage.

w Some seek an affair as a way to keep the barriers high between them and their spouses. They are frightened of intimacy and of getting emotionally close to anyone. Affairs necessitate deception, dishonesty and emotional distance.

w Some use sex compulsively, to numb inner pain and emptiness, much like alcoholics use alcohol.

w Some are reluctant to divorce. They believe the affair helps them stay in the marriage. Maintaining the appearance of being married while carrying on a significant affair creates an emotionally confused and often chaotic life.

w Some have already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point.

w Some fall in love—madly, deeply in love. This temporary state of insanity is not open to reason or a recognition of costs and consequences.

w And some find themselves at the wrong place, at the wrong time, at a moment of weakness. They have an affair that violates their own sense of morality and decency. They are remorseful. They commit to never doing it again.

It is clear some affairs are harder to get past than others. Accidental affairs where there is sincere regret and remorse are clearly easier than sexually addictive affairs. Whatever the type, affairs need to be dealt with, if the marriage is to survive.

Some Suggestions:

w If you are the one who is being unfaithful, end the affair and stop all contacts with the affairee (phone, letter, email, physical and sexual contacts).

If you have been sexually active with both your spouse and the affairee, you have a hard reality to face. You may have exposed your spouse to sexually transmitted diseases. You need to have yourself checked and you need to inform your spouse so they can also be checked.

How much of the details of the affair are shared may vary. However, don't blame your spouse or minimize the pain you are causing. Accept responsibility for the consequences of your choices and actions.

If there are relational or personal issues (conflict avoidance, intimacy avoidance, compulsive behaviors), commit to seeking appropriate help to address these.

If you want out of the relationship, be honest with yourself and your partner. Don't complicate the parting with the pain of an affair.

w If you are the affairee, your continued presence is making things more difficult for everyone, especially you. Affairs rarely end happlily. End the relationship completely. Have no further contacts.

Seek help for yourself to deal with the loss and to understand your part in creating it.

w If you are the one who is being betrayed, first believe that you can't make affairs happen or drive your partner to be unfaithful. You didn't cause it.

Second, understand that you can't control your partner's behavior and choices. Your partner chose and can continue to choose to be unfaithful.

Third, accept that you have choices to make. You may choose to be available to work with your partner on solving problems, whatever they might be. You may choose to wait out your partner's "temporary insanity." Or you may choose to end the relationship.

Whatever you choose, take care for your own healing. Find a trusted friend or counselor to talk over your choices and talk out your feelings. Being wise in the face of infidelity requires careful reflection and courage.

Growing is an occasional publication of the The Counseling Center of Lutheran General Hospital. If you would like to receive future issues of Growing, just call the main office with your name & address. Permission to reprint the main article is granted, with proper credit given to the author. Please send a copy of article as used to Center address (listed below).

Main Office: 1610 Luther Lane ~ Park Ridge, IL 60068-1243 ~
For Information, call: (847) 518-1800

Other Locations: Arlington Heights, Deerfield, and Libertyville.