Growing 9, September 1995
Symptoms of a Healthy Marriage

Featured Writer: Gregg Dana, M.Div., M.A., Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

Symptoms, as the word is normally used, are observable signs or conditions that indicate that there is something wrong, an illness or other problem. But just as symptoms can indicate disease, they can also indicate health. There are at least three symptoms which characterize healthly marriages—marriages that are becoming stronger, more effective, more satisfying.

The couple respect one another ~
This means that each has decided that their partner has fundamental competencies about life, valuable skills and experiences, and valid thoughts, preferences and wishes. They see their differences as complementary, and appreciate the useful resources they each contribute to their relationship.

Couples who seek help from a counselor usually don’t feel that way as they experience mutual disrespect, sometimes to a dramatic degree. Both can remember a time when they regarded one another with respect, but repeated hurts and unresolved conflicts have led both to the conclusion that their partner is deeply flawed as a person. Whether that attitude was expressed loudly in moments of anger or quietly in unspoken interactions, as years have passed by, deep resentments have grown. Conflict escalated as each person exerted stronger and stronger efforts to prove that they were worthy of respect. Or, they gave up and sought respect elsewhere.

When marital counseling is successful, the couple grow to respect one another again, and they learn to react with interest or curiosity when differences arise, wanting to know more about their partner’s ideas, perhaps puzzled that a competent person, worthy of respect, would come up with something that seems so strange.

There is balance in the couple’s power ~
Power is the ability to do things. In every marriage each partner has that ability-such as the power to make decisions, the power to spend money, the power to relate to other people, etc. In a healthy marriage, both people feel that the balance of power between them is essentially equal and fair. Neither feels dominated or discredited in the day-to-day decisions and activities of life.

In marriages a few generations back, the areas of a husband’s power and a wife’s power were often clearly defined, with little overlap of activities and little interference with the decisions of the other. For example, Mom’s realm was the inside of the house, while Dad was in charge of the outside. Or, Dad managed the family finances and Mom managed the kids.

The clarity of marital roles has diminished in recent years, so that now healthy couples are likely to negotiate (and perhaps renegotiate repeatedly) who will do what jobs. The particular details of the roles that couples assume, or the power that each has, is relatively unimportant if both are content with the arrangement. They will be content, in general, if they feel that their relationship is fundamentally a fair deal for both of them-that their power is in balance.

They share intimacy ~
In the broadest terms this means that the husband and wife do things with each other that they do with no one else. It means that the marital relationship is unique for both of them. I have framed this quality broadly to indicate that healthy couples share intimacy which includes, but also extends beyond their sexual partnership.

The couple’s exclusive, faithful relationship as lovers is the foundation of healthy marital intimacy. They agree that there are expressions of love which they will use only with each other. This agreement clearly defines the boundaries which separate what they will do with others, such as flirting or non-erotic hugs and kisses, from the sexual activities that they reserve for themselves alone.

In addition to their sexual partnership, healthy couples have ways they relate to one another which both understand as expressions of their intimacy—“that special way we look at each other,’ pet names that no one else uses, shared secrets about personal dreams, frank conversation that both know will be kept private, etc. Especially in the later years of life, when the energy for sexual loving diminishes, healthy couples maintain and even expand the variety of ways that they share intimacy.

In one way or another, every couple I have worked with through my professional career has reflected struggles in one or more of these areas. Although no one has it perfect, the goal in all marriages is to continually seek new ways to enhance each of these qualities.

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